As I start writing this post, my mind goes back to all that happened to me this year.
This year has been the most happening in my life.
I stepped out of my cocoon to the real world out there. And the first dose hit me hard. It tried very hard to pull me down, I refused. I fought hard, refusing to drown down. optimism was the key. I was still caught in the currents. I swam. I swam hard, with the help of a dolphin by my side and I emerged victorious when I felt sand under my foot. I was happy again, glad that I got what I want. I believed that, I was the little kid who got everything that she wanted from Allah, I just had to pray. I was happy. Then hell started, the dolphin drifted away. I struggled with myself. It had been a feeling of being trapped. I had fallen into a pit and I was subconsciously aware, but chose to ignore it. When the dolphin went away, I was trapped alone. I was entangled in the creepers down the pit which pulled me down.
During those days, of collecting myself, teaching myself to be emotionally independent, I lost a part of me.
The good part.
The part where I thought I was the little girl who got everything that I wanted if I prayed from Allah. For one’s prayer to be heard, you had to trust. And that was exactly what I had lost. Trust. Hence, my prayers lacked the trust. Still Allah provided me but I was blind. I thought it was all over when I climbed out of the pit, but no. The bitterness and sourness creeped into my soul which I had tried so badly to beautify and had succeeded. Negativity possessed me. The place and people had become suffocating. I started hated everything for no apparent reason. I wanted to run away from the suffocating place.
I wanted to run away, because I knew I was the one who thought wrong.
I wanted to run away, to come back. To come back as the old me, and show the world that nothing would break me.
And I ran away the first opportunity that I got. To my home. Where I would talk to clouds. And the clouds, after having heard the part would move away leaving behind a clear sky so that I could talk to my Allah with fewer hurdles. Thats why I love clouds you see. They know everything. They see everything. They hear everything and they know how to make you feel good. How to make you smile amidst the tears running down your face. I was reconnecting back with my old self, the old surroundings supporting me in the process. And here I am, smiling, because I know I had won again.
I would find the lost part.
The battle was against myself.
And I will be victorious.
In sha Allah.
Ya Allah, All I want,
in which the sun always shined,
clouds, blocked the light
But I always smiled
And beautiful was my sight.
With this prayer in my little heart, I smile.
Because I know Allah is going to listen to me because I have learnt to trust. Only him, again.
And I have beautifully begun,
walking down the path which would lead me to peace and success.